Just a Little Pity Party

Instead of my obsessive compulsive alternating between facebook and gmail, I decided to be a little more productive and create a blog post. I really don't have anything new to say since... umm... my post three days ago, but I'll bore you nonetheless.

First, I must make a confession. I'm so sick of winter, I could spit. Except, then my spit would probably freeze, and I'd slip and fall on my butt. Two days ago I was in awe of the crystalized world of Logan, Utah, but today I'm not too happy about the shivering, slush, or haze. Granted, we had a few beautiful hours today between the snowstorm and dusk, but I'm really just ready for warm sunshine again. Anyway, the one thing I really can't change is the weather, so I must stop complaining.

The other little gripe I have to make goes along with the weather, but it's a lot more personal than the classic "coat or no coat?" conundrum. I'm ready to have a best friend again. I'm sick of planning things with my many different acquaintances, wondering if any of them really like me for more than a once a week taco outing or a Borders run. I hope this doesn't sound like a pity party, because for the most part, I am more than happy to be by myself. I have gotten used to the idea of planning and executing my own personal goals, but I'd still like to have that one friend who never fails me. I think the cold makes me a little bit more lonesome, especially when I see the other cuddling couples around me. I believe, though, that if I'm able to get through January and February without a broken heart or a broken leg (from slipping on the ice), I will be in tip-top shape. After twenty three years of insatiable independence, there is no way that I'm going to let myself get hung up on the mushy longings of so many dramatic girls. I'm much happier when I'm thinking of the ways that I will change my life, and, in due time, find the one person who will love me for who I am. Let us all resolve to be a little stronger, a little better, and a little warmer through these tough winter months.

{What I wouldn't give to be in the "Happiest Place on Earth," wearing sandals.}

Such Is Life

The more I think about it, the more I have no clue what I'm doing. I can't seem to plan anymore, and the truth is, I don't want to plan. I'd like to let spontaneity rule the immediate future, but I'm afraid that this freedom will leave me alone and burnt out. I'm ready for something bigger than just a daily routine; I'm looking for a whirlwind, a storm, a fantasy. Give me a sheet of paper, let me write. I know what I want, but I don't know how to create it. I just need a life that feels like my own, not a lie that feels like a dream. I need one little push in order to soar. Please, someone, give me that boost.

How Will I Measure This Year?

In keeping with my past two entries which focused on art and music, I'm stealing a well-known line from my favorite musical, Rent, to express my anticipation, anxiety, and awareness for the many unknown adventures that lie ahead of me. But first, let me measure the many events that happened over the past 525,600 minutes of my life.

Miles: I traveled over 10,000 miles (not counting what I clocked on my odometer) as I journeyed across America and Europe. I felt both the ties and loneliness that distance can create. I learned that even though I might be a few time zones away from my friends, we can be close in heart.

Sleepless Nights: I managed to complete college without any academic all-nighters. However, that does not discount the fact that I spent many evenings plowing through difficult books, writing impossible papers, or fretting about my future.

Births: I am in the stage of my life when many of my friends are starting their own families. While I have yet to be present for a live birth (I think I'll save that for a while, too), I am so excited for the growing stomachs and expanding hearts of my dear friends.

Deaths: I think this one rings a little truer to home than the births category. Fortunately, I did not lose anyone in my immediate or extended family (and I hope to continue that trend for many years to come), I experienced the loss of one of my ladies. Even though I got paid to work with her, I came to love her dearly over the three years that we spent together. Even more, I felt the tragic deaths of family friends and loved ones, and I hope that those people know how deeply I mourn for their losses. Also, RIP Michael, Farrah, Patrick, Bea, and all the other Hollywood people we lost in 2009.

Laughter: From great friends to inside jokes with myself, I think that I have learned how to laugh with greater abandon, and I have realized the wonderful blessing that humor is in the most difficult of times.

While I have fewer concrete plans at this point in my life than I think I ever have before, I'm excited to learn to depend on the Lord to plan my next set of adventures. I know that amidst all of the many trials I experienced in 2009, I would not have chosen any different route for the ultimate happiness I found. I pray that this new year holds even a minute portion of what my grand imagination dreams it does. I have quite a few minutes, hours, and days to figure it all out, though, and I'll keep you all posted on how that goes.